I thought, another faux paus I should talk about that has been causing the most obvious roadblock for myself and my intimate relationship is the fact that I live such a different lifestyle than Mark's immediate family (who, I am blessed to have a healthy relationship with).
Both of our parents' parenting styles are looked down upon from different groups of people. Which you may choose to look down upon, reader, I don't know. I think both sets of parents have their curses and blessings, and both have done right for their own children. I'm here to bring criticism and gratitude to the surface, to sum up an issue affecting my life, advocating for close relationships between parents and their teens.
My parents have a very alternative way of parenting, not the norm you find in most Southern states and traditional, religious family backgrounds. For me, this worked. It certainly will not work for every kid, that's why I call it The Kathryn Parenting Style. My parents have techniques fully built upon the trust within our relationship. If I screwed up, I got a punishment (no TV for a few weeks, no sweets, no "playdates" with friends, etc). If I didn't listen or didn't do what I promised I would, I would be scolded. I was given a very large amount of freedom as soon as I hit my pre-teen years. Of course, at that point I couldn't have the boys I liked over, but I could go to stores alone and buy my own things--I was trusted to buy appropriate clothing, which taught me how to. I was taught how to get groceries as soon as I got a car (another way of them celebrating my freedom), giving me money management techniques, while still having my financial portion of life taken care of and provided for until I can find a steady job in College, due to this ever-changing American economy.
Mark's parents have a pretty traditional way of parenting, with a few better alterations to make their rules more modern. They like to set boundaries about the littler things before testing the waters, which I must admit, is the type of parent I may very well become in my future. Now, I'm no parent, but with my education in Soc and Psych, when I see a parent so worried about something that they can't explain their reasoning properly, it sends off a red flag in my mind that maybe they have a lowered trust level with this child and can't give them the freedom, because the parents feel they don't deserve it. This is the case with Mark, whether it's obvious or subconscious. He went through a rebellious phase, met all the wrong people and made some pretty bad choices. As for the financial aspect, Mark has had to work, as he says: "for every dime I've ever made". Of course, his parents provide food and shelter for him, and love, but not the extra things. This taught Mark the value of money early on. A positive difference between my parents and his.
I am talking so intimately about this matter, to the level that some might call intrusive, because my voice cares to make a difference in the lives of teenagers and parents. I feel this parenting situation in particular is something so common in our society and shouldn't be: The Age Factor. My parents never saw age, they saw how much they could believe me. Of course, they listened to the law and didn't let me get into trouble, but they set limits based upon my dignity and trustworthiness. Like I explained, this only works for Kathryn, because she has been so dormant regarding rebellion all her life--personal life choice. Mark's parents also never saw age, in the opposite way. No matter how many years progressed, Mark didn't get the free experiences I have been able to capture while I was younger. I've been with Mark for nearly 2 years now, known him for 11, and have always seen him moreso sheltered than myself, which again, isn't necessarily a bad thing, and Mark doesn't fret about it--it has merely affected both our lives since we began dating.
Here's an example of what I mean... Mark and I tried hard to pitch the idea of a 48 hour trip to Port Townsend, Washington, one of the days sleeping in lodging alone without parents, getting picked up the next morning. Keep in mind, Mark and I both don't engage in unprotected sex, drinking or drug usage, and both sets of our parents are aware of that. His parents declined the idea without much of an explanation, which I'm not going to beat to the ground, because I respect that was their choice. My parents liked the idea. They looked at it as a way for us young adults to be out on our own, living life and learning how to get our own groceries, transportation, setting boundaries in every-day life situations. Maybe Mark's parents weren't raised in such a way of having extreme freedom. My mom, on the other hand, experienced more freedom than any of us. Her mom, my grandmother, let her go to Scotland right out of high school with her partner. I know what you're thinking--she probably came back with police escort, or #3 on the way, right? Wrong. She learned how to manage herself in society and loved learning about her family's rich history. Put this into perspective: Mark and I were asking for a 2 day trip, not a 20 day trip.
Either way the cards decided to be dealt, what I couldn't seem get over was why Mark had less freedom than I did, when he was of legal age in the U.S. to do whatever the heck he wanted to without his parents' consent. Then, the thought struck me: until he moves out, and has his own steady job, his parents will set their own rules. I never realized that this entire time, my parents weren't just throwing around freedom without setting boundaries--they were looking in my best interest and well-being. They are two of the rare parents that are so in-tune with what their child needs, that they found a path that best works for their child. One day, Mark will look back while sorting through the goods and the bads within his childhood, and thank his parents for raising him the way they have. For whatever reasons they have behind their restrictions, I know the intention is a positive one. One I may never work with or understand, but will accept and learn to admire.
Mark has this tolerable personality, you see, one that makes it easier on his parents to get what they want from him. Yes, I am chuckling as I type this post. He lacks a strong backbone, has an automatic selflessness nature and wants everyone to be as happy as they can be, and is willing to sacrifice his own happiness for theirs (a trait at least one of his parents shares very strongly). A lot of my parents' guidelines stemmed from my personality and theirs growing up as well--freedom-thirsty, independent, blunt, and intolerant. While I physically rebelled the least, I emotionally rebelled the most. To this day, I am not pregnant, have not engaged in unprotected sex, have not taken a beer at a party, nor a cigarette, and am happy without touching an illegal substance. To this day, Mark is not engaging in any of the above, and supports me in my pure choices, making them his own. We have both changed a lot for each other, for the better. I love our parents for making us who we are--the two kids that fit so darn well together, regardless of their opposites.
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