I have somewhat reflected upon the topic of myself being of Hispanic heritage, or "another race" aside from Caucasian, but I wanted to make this message clear to any teenagers that could be reading this blog:
Whatever you are... YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
My story is one, I am sure, like many others. My birth mother's father was a bigot--there is absolutely no other way to explain his hatred towards darker skinned races.
During the adoption process, my birth father, who is a Mexican, got cast out of our family story, with death threats and many personal judgments based upon preconceived stereotypes. He was taken from me.
Today, I received my first ever letter from my birth father. He was loving, articulate, kind, educated, and nothing like the Mexican stereotypes that we have in America.
Fortunately, against what my birth grandfather wished upon me, during my childhood I was raised to be educated and aware of the fact I was of Hispanic descent.
I have been appreciative and proud of my Hispanic heritage since the day I discovered it. I am currently learning Spanish from a private tutor along with high school courses and took numerous educational, Spanish-centered programs over the course of my young life. I enjoy learning a new word and seeing how my body and face changes with my deep-rooted blood ties to Mexico. I am a curvy, petite gal that has crazy thick hair and thick thighs. And even though I can't stand mildly hot salsa, I am a Mexican, and I am a proud Mexican.
Often times, I hear humorous misconceptions, or better yet, pre-conceptions, of myself and those like myself. I figured I would address some of these ideas nicely for those who may be curious of lifestyles like my own.
I am a good student, and I am not afraid to show it. This does not mean I am a goody two-shoes, or that I sit at home every Friday night looking at a pile of textbooks--this just means that I study and I get things turned in at a pace that fits best for me.
I do not use recreational drugs, nor drink, yet this does not mean I don't hangout with people that do. The photo above is a friend and I. She is 20 years old and has different lifestyle habits than I do, yet we still connect over many preferences and core values. I immerse myself in a variety of people and sides of the story, so that I can accurately judge people.
I am an abstinence and safe-sex educator/advocator, and nope, this does not mean I am against pre-marital sex. The coined term: "abstinence" can be defined as any period of time in which you decide to not engage in sexual activity. You could lose your virginity at 12, have a sexual relationship until 14, and be abstinent until you are 22--it is what ever works best for you. I choose this value for my own life and don't try to change others' minds.
I get along with my parents, respect my teachers and support abstinence, although, this doesn't mean I am religious. As well, I do not support organized religion or any person that claims to be a religion, yet sins within it, however, I do not try to alter the beliefs of others. I believe what I know--my faith begins in knowledge. It is apparent that different people are granted different knowledge.
I am 50% Mexican, but I am not a marijuana dealer (or user), and I did not cross the border illegally. I do not steal, nor do I know very much Spanish. I am an adopted child to two very Caucasian, Russian/Scottish and "German-American" wonderful parents that love me the same as any fully-white child, and, one just so happens to hold a Ph.D degree.
I dress put-together and somewhat stereotypically "preppy"--this does not mean I am an aspiring cheerleader, or am going to say: "Oh my gawd, I broke a nail!" I am one of the least "girly" girls you are ever going to meet. My favorite thing to do when I get done with my daily grind is to kick off my boots, grab a long t-shirt and lounge.
I am a teenager. This does NOT mean I love watching Glee, spend hours getting ready in the morning, act ignorant about every topic known to man, or make bad choices with my life "just because". This is the fun judgement. I like conversing with adults, challenging norms and would pick the Oprah show over Glee any day!
The point of this blog post is: we all judge, but drawing the fine line between judging to be "cool" and judging based upon knowledge is extremely crucial to learning and growing as a humble identity on this earth. Just because an individual acts a certain way does not mean they are the stereotypical type of that appearance or belief. No matter what you have been or are judged for, do not give up. There are people like you out there, all over the world, who are going through judgment and trying to find their voice to correct when others cross that fine line.
Something I have never significantly discussed on my blog before is my self image and esteem. I have written "how to be confident" posts, but not anything about how I view myself.
This post is titled "Letting Myself Go" because I have heard countless comments on my weight over the past couple years of high school, from anonymous people and petty gossip. A bit surprised? I was, too. I am not the skinniest person on this planet, and damn proud I am not a size 2 in jeans. I am not perfect, and I am blogging right now to let you all know that I know it.
I am speaking up for the voiceless, abused teenage girls everywhere that hear comments on their physical appearance from classmates and passerbys, instead of details about the gorgeous insides of their souls.
I am slightly above, yet still in the realm of average weight for my height and age--I am not obese, nor fat, only a mere bit overweight, and I work to change that every day when I get moving, get off the couch and dance, do yoga, or walk for a while. To me, a fat person is a danger to themselves, eating junk food all day, piling on the pounds and toxins. The unattractiveness of this person is rooted in the ways they disregard their body's health, but their emotional unattractiveness is caused by deeper reasons and should not be measured by their weight.
I ADORE eating and fattening my belly up, as most people who know me well could vouch for, although, I only eat a healthy diet with a sugary sweet about once a week, along with a few Starbucks spread across a couple weeks. Because of my diet restrictions, I do not consume Cow's milk, causing my stomach to be happy, and (bonus!) lowering my calorie intake to much less by not asking for whole milk or whipped cream at Starbucks.
If any of you are asking yourselves, "Man, then how does she have any flab on her whatsoever?", the answer can be found in my heritage. My Caucasian relatives, in a nutshell, are quite heavy and didn't take good care of themselves for periods in their lives, and my other half of lineage just so happens to be Hispanic, with heavier people in their lineage, too! While the stereotype of "chubby Mexicans" might not always prove to be the case, I do have a risk for gaining on the pounds because of my genetic makeup.
Ever since I was young, I enriched myself in positive body image and a high self-esteem--believing I am beautiful, sexy, hot, cute in any shape or form, and while I am not the perfect girl, I am the perfect Kathryn. There are numerous girls in this world with my name, probably more than most any other female name, but there is only one of me, and no matter how kooky or crazy I am, I am the best form of me that there is.
I know it's a cliche, but no matter your size, you should feel happy with your body, and if you are not, you need to work on your body for YOU, not for anybody else.
This topic is inspired by a list of "things to blog about" written by Chris Brogan. Ever since I was very young, I have encountered numerous critics, judging my outsides and the inside character I confidently hold. I think being confident has had a lot to deal with how I handle critics.
These are a few of my "tips" to consider for yourself when critics try to knock you down:
What do these critics spend the most of their time on? This thought is the one you may consider spending the majority of set time pondering. If this person who is attacking you for your way of life doesn't live a fulfilling, happy life, they are, in my observations, more likely to beat you down because of their lack of contentment in their own life. Most unhappy individuals who haven't reached enlightenment within therapy or their own coming-to-terms with the facts of life are less developed in the "happy-for-others" department.
How old are these critics? The majority of mine have been older. I had bullies when I was a child, but I can easily get along with 90% of the peers I meet without flaw. The reason mine were/are older is because the generation before my own held different expectations and morale of teenagers than my generation, so they receive my desire to beat the odds and become responsible (somewhat grow up too fast) with shock and do not understand how to react to it.
What is the lifestyle of these critics? Did these individuals grow up with abuse or any form of damage to their self-esteem? That may play a part as well. Even worse, many people who came from a family life that wasn't very open with their negative feelings (nor honest) don't develop a recognized sense of reality and how you are supposed to treat human beings in this society, at least with our national, American norms. Regardless, maybe they weren't raised in the same society and just flat-out do not understand you! This can offer some empathy to the attacker.
Would you ever critique someone for the reason this critic is critiquing you? If you find the main reason these people are disliking you, maybe you can sympathize with it. For example, I judge people based on their morale--not their outside appearance, income or background. I judge people for the here-and-now, the conscious choices they make on a daily basis that I perhaps do not agree with. If you disagree within political issues or recreational behaviors, maybe you can see that person more clearly. We all judge people and there is no way of getting around that fact.
Just because someone may disagree or have a beef with you on how you live your life, it doesn't give them the right to criticize or make fun of you for it. There are so many bloggers out there sharing exactly what is on their minds with no reserve. I use a good amount of reserve, as a matter of fact, because a light-hearted lifestyle blog should not be taken so darn seriously. However, I still like to cut to the chase and let my readers know exactly how I am feeling in a given moment.
Right now, I'm feeling a bit discouraged by all of the weight given to every single person on this earth for being who they are. Yes, adults, I enjoy being mature and I enjoy proving I am ahead of my game, because if I wasn't, I would be in deep, deep trouble--predictably harming my body with substances, not giving a "f**k" about my life and having little to no dreams for my future like a good portion of teenage society in this day in age. Do you try to convey the message that it is GOOD to hold that standard of success? I honestly don't believe so. Self-destruction and hatred is not something I mess with, and I can't apologize for being me.
Never apologize for being who you are, and never bash others for their faults; we all have them. If you enjoy smoking a joint responsibly, good for you. If you enjoy drinking until you're sick, good for you. And, if you like getting good grades, good for you! If you like respecting your parents, good for you. If you like mouthing off to your teachers, good for you. The world is your oyster and you decide what will nurture it. As Colleen Zaruba says, "The world is your oyster; you are the pearl, nestled in the infinite sea of love."
Today, I want to share the music of a very important person named Steve. Steve is a openly gay man who became the first blogger in the 90s to write about his battle with HIV. Music shaped who he became through his battle and helped him survive. He is a singer and songwriter off Broadway that composes plays and his own beautiful ballads with a humorous touch in New York, USA. His HIV blog became famous and attracted a person from Harvard to ask him to come speak to the medical department about HIV, which gave them some recognition of how to treat it.
I had the extreme honor of meeting and somewhat mingling with Steve at a private dinner and a PFLAG benefit concert/play, and am proud to currently call him a Facebook friend. After the concert, I am seriously considering hiring him to play at my future wedding. His voice is a good kind of haunting and left me in tears by the end of the night.
With a sentimental, funny twist similar to Jimmy Buffett and the like, these are two of my favorite ballads he sang.
Regarding Steve’s potential memorial service, a song of remembrance.
Save Me A Seat written and composed by Steve Schalchlin: Perhaps someday for several hours, you’ll fill some church with lots of flowers. And displace a saintly shot of me somewhere in the hall.. stick a tray of nachos up against the wall! I bet my mom will tell a story, endowing me with lots of glory. And punish you by making you listen to my song. Torture you by forcing you to have to sing along. Somebody save me a seat, somewhere in the back. ‘Cause I’ll get bored and go across the street, eat a snack… grab a beer at the bar. Find a piano, get out the tip jar. Somebody save me a seat at that piano across the street. ‘Cause I’ll look back and laugh at you and you’ll be bored as hell. Will you wonder if you really knew me? Will you wonder if you knew me too well? And I’ll sing all the secrets I’m too ashamed to share; I’ll sing about courage that came from God knows where. A revue of all the hearts I’ve broken, all the songs I’ve sung. Foolish words I might have spoken when I was very young. Yeah, somebody save me a seat on a roller coaster somewhere. We’ll fly around and have some fun, and we’ll think about the miracles… we could have done. And the people.. we could have become. While the beers made me silly and I feel kind of guilty ‘cause I left you alone over there. So I’ll sneak back inside and stand by you chair, and just for a moment… I’ll goof with your hair! Then I’ll find my way back to a seat in the back, and I’ll be a good boy ‘til it’s over. Then I’ll get to do something that you cannot do, I’ll follow you home! Every one of you. Then on a day that you feel lost of hurt, go to the kitchen… get some dessert. Then sit at the table and eat, just remember… please remember… To save me seat. Please remember, to save me.. a seat. Copyright 1996 See No Evil Music/Lil Shack O Tunes/ASCAP.
The true story and the first song regarding Steve’s first hospital visit.
Connected written and composed by Steve Schalchlin: I saw a neon sign that said: “Emergency”. I barely even know what happened next! Collapsing in a doorway, and then down the hall. Connected to a meter… we should all be connected to a meter. A very nice young man with three rings in each ear, Said: “We don’t lose that many patients… in a year.” He rolled me to a lonely room with a light beneath the bed. Connected to a bottle… we should all be connected to a bottle. Every night at 1AM the angel of the nighttime would wake me up and give me something good… and then give me something bad. All day long I’d channel surf, that’s all I could do. I couldn’t read a book or walk around. You know you’ve hit the bottom when you’re glad to be… Connected to a TV… we should all be connected to a TV. I dreamed I was on Happy Days, that I was playing Richie. With Potsie begging Richie not to die… ‘cause they’d never let Richie die. Friends would come around and bring me little things. And say how much they needed me to live. They told me I would make it, ‘cause they said we were… Connected to each other… we should all be connected to each other. Someday if I lose this fight to carry on, please send me some place gently out to sea. And listen as I whisper softly in your ear, “Connected to each other…. we will always be connected to each other.” Mmmmm…. ohh!Copyright 1996 See No Evil Music/Lil Shack O Tunes/ASCAP.
So, you can see why this man inspired me and others the night of the concert(s), and was the perfect speaker on behalf of PFLAG. With many upbeat, fun songs and other ballads that filled our hearts with peace and gratefulness, Steve is a true fighter who knows how to have a laugh in the worst of “rock-bottom”. A big thank you to him for giving his nights to us and raising money for our nonprofit!
I was playing around in a chocolate scrubbing war with partner Mark when my own creative, NOH8-like blog post/image idea popped in to my head.
A health condition I am very passionate about is the disease Vitiligo. When you see individuals like Michael Jackson who went straight from being darker skinned to pale white in an instant, what do you think? More than likely, a whacko man who got numerous plastic surgeries, oh, and let’s not forget: a man who bleached his skin! How insanely bothered must he be to switch his skin from black to white.
Truth is: Jackson didn’t have much of a choice. Jackson had Vitiligo from a young age. Vitiligo is a skin disorder in which you are born of African descent (or the like) and overtime your skin begins to turn white, dissolving patches of your dark skin in a very unsettling and unhealthy way.
I was watching a documentary on Vitiligo and individuals in the workplace and at home that battle this disease every day, and coat their faces with tanner and make up to turn the process around as much as they possibly can. Someday (and maybe they are already) those people will be completely Caucasian-looking, even if by genetic race they are not.
I can play around with a sweetener all I want to get the point across, but Vitiligo is nothing like smearing chocolate on your body, and certainly is no treat. It is a heartbreaking, traumatic experience for many who go through it, and a troublesome situation for those in it, trying to cover up the signs.
Think of a middle-aged woman compulsively trying to hide her wrinkles and frown lines with multiple creams, rubbing every inch of her face, only to find she cannot turn back the time, only this woman could be any age, young, old, or even a man. She/he could be a news anchor, an author, a teacher, a mother/father, or even a celebrity.
This is a condition I hope you all educate yourselves on and read articles on. It is fascinating how these people live normal lives and don’t let Vitiligo stop their hearts from living freely, no matter how “not normal” these people look.
Gazing at the delicate full moon, gracing yellowish-blue clouds tonight got me thinking. Humans are so precious. Babies, children, teenagers, adults, and elderly. Most humans don’t share my minority belief. This belief that each being graced our earth for a reason and is not to be taunted or ill.
Sometimes I wonder, if I hadn’t been adopted, and I was still with my birth mother: who would I be? Would I have met the people I have met? Just a few? Or none? Would I be happy? Sad? Confused? Would I be blessed with self-knowledge or create emotional harm to those around me in a cry for attention? Whatever I would have been, I wouldn’t be me. I wouldn’t be UnstoppableKatya, as cheesy as it may seem.
What if I had made love to my first love? What if I had bared a child young, like my birth mother? What if I had my first kiss at age 17? What if I hadn’t met the one I so deeply find solace in? What if I had given up everything and moved in with the first boy to have captured my heart? What if I had fell in love with the boy I shared my first intimacy with? What if I was in love with a woman?
Because of my first loves and because of my emotional and physical intimacy with those I have felt it with, I am me. This is the reason I am me. When I think about these big things, I feel as if my spirit is filling with gratitude, bittersweet thanks to the soul that brought me to my life’s experiences.
I look around me on a daily basis and see those less fortunate than myself. While I am talking about the homeless, hungry on the streets, I am also talking about the young women everywhere that look at their bodies and hearts in disgust, wishing they were someone different… somewhere different. And the young men as well, who think if they’re geeky or smart the cheerleader won’t want to date them (who don’t seem to realize the cheerleader probably isn’t worth dating if they won’t recognize them). Or the teen going through prejudice because they are black or fat or gay, that they turn to drugs or self harm to heal their pain, turning into a downward spiral until they fall. Hard.
I look at the individuals who are so quick to judge, they pass their acquaintances by because of their own envy, greed and unresolved emotional states. The individuals who think it is O.K. to belittle others’ opinions because they don’t agree. They need just as much tender love as those listed in the above paragraph. They were scarred by whatever life chose to spitball at them, however tragic or pathetic that may be. Those who live on this earth deserve love and understanding.
We all judge, but we shouldn’t desert. We should help, heal and guide to a better generation, one not full of superficiality, but of hope for a bright future for our children and grandchildren.
There’s a quote within the song “Earth Song” by Michael Jackson that I absolutely love that I want to include in this post to remind all of you to thank God or whoever you worship for the life you’ve been given and look for the ways you are more fortunate than a certain group, seeking out ways to fill in the holes of lacking compassion that you see around your community:
What about yesterday? What about the seas? Heavens are falling down, I can’t even breathe! What about the bleeding Earth? Can’t we feel its wounds? What about nature’s worth? It’s our planet’s womb! What about animals? We’ve turned kingdoms to dust. What about elephants? Have we lost their trust!? What about crying whales? We’re ravaging their seas! What about forest trails? Burnt despite our pleas! What about the holy land? Torn apart by creed. What about the common man? Can we set him free? What about children dying? Can’t you hear them cry? Where did we go wrong!? Someone tell me why! (What about us!?) What about babies? What about the days? What about all their joy? What about the man? What about the crying man? What about Abraham? What about death again? Do we give a damn!?”
Back then, kids had manners to be cherished. While they still did grow up to get drunk with friends and hold mediocre standards of morale a good percentage of the time due to the lack of education regarding poor choices, their parents were able to control them in restaurants and public places as small children.
My mother recounts of a similar time when she was growing into adulthood herself. My mom always talks of her child self as being quite well-adjusted and a conforming child—one who would do her homework without her mother asking. She was kind and listened to instruction.
Kids now-a-days make for a freakshow of society. Screaming, throwing and slamming things into other things. (Now, I know there are poorly behaved kids from every generation, but from my observations of stories told, more so now). This not only annoys fellow people in public, but embarrasses the parents (you would think…).
A new trend has heightened among the past several years. I say heightened, because it was there many years before, just not so apparent in the parenting culture. This trend is the: “My kid always does right and never wrong.” denial.
A restaurant in Pennsylvania recently made a new rule of their own that bans children under the age of six from entering due to their poor mannered parents that didn’t feel the need to calm their kids down when they started making a ruckus. These parents proceeded to make claims about how this new rule “offended” them.
As you may be able to tell, I’m truly not writing this to gripe about the restaurant owner. I have a particular bone to pick with the parents of these misbehaving children…
As one individual mentioned on the “comments” page regarding the restaurant ban via news reports, “The ‘kids will be kids’ cliche only goes so far.” The parent needs to take responsibility for their child’s actions. Ever seen the show Supernanny? Many parents just like the parents on that show are in denial that their parenting skills are the root of their child’s poor behavior.
Living in the teenage society now, I can tell you, not many of these kids turned out to be “the best kids”. I have a friend who was the biggest little snot in elementary school who has now developed into a mature young man. I have an acquaintance who was the sweetest, bubbliest girl, now hooked to drugs and hardcore partying. And of course, I know a few that never ever changed. So, for these “bad” kids that don’t change - where is this behavior coming from?
There’s a good chance for kids who exhibit steady bad behavior throughout their life that there is little peer interference. Those who were good and turned bad more than likely got sucked into peer pressure and hip behavior of the century, as most of my “studying” has led me to believe. Therefore, all this “bad behavior” is transferred right back onto the parent’s shoulders. What’s up, parents?
If I were the owner of that restaurant where I got snappy remarks from the parents when I asked them politely to calm their child down, I would say this: Come back with your kids in another six years and let me know what they’ve accomplished. This may sound harsh coming from someone who is not a parent herself, but it is coming from someone who has experienced the most foolish parenting tactics around, observing high and low the rules of her friends’ parents.
Can I say I’m surprised the majority of teens are hooked to drugs and lacking self confidence? No. As a final example, a teen is unlikely to comprehend the importance of morale if their parents used drugs as if they were nothing to worry about, nor punished the teen when they later used heavy drugs themselves. To me, bad parenting. To some, normal lifestyle. The smallest behavioral mistakes can turn into huge problems as you grow into adulthood.
This generation’s society has a warped vision of health and good karma, but all I have to say is this: I will never let my child live in such a miserable situation of poor judgement and public discrimination for as long as I can have control over that factor of their life. I will strive to provide the best parenting counselor for myself and my partner, and I will never abuse my child, nor lead them into thinking wrong is right due to lack of communication.
No kid is automatically “the best kid”. To their parent, maybe, but that doesn’t mean just because the parent is blinded by that infamous “my kid is always right”, that the kid is going to be treated positively by anyone else but their teenage friends. For the time being, perhaps kids will favor the party girl over a headstrong girl such as myself, but I guarantee that when the teenage buzz wears off, I will have held the morale that would have saved these kids a ton of heartache.
People earn their mature status through their wisdom, grace and loving sentiment, and not to wear it out, but: morale, and behaviors in relation to other human beings. Selflessness, honesty and respect. For that, I can applaud my parents for paying the bill and escorting me out of the restaurant if I ever was to throw a fit!
As many of you know, I am against common religion--it has no basis and is just plain silly. I got the idea to make a post in a mocking tone, similar to those who claim they worship the Bible, however, these beliefs are those I would state if I was ever to make my own Bible and 10 commandments, and how I believe God intended us to live. Inspired by the 6 Most Important Decisions You'll Ever Have to Make / The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teenagers by Sean Covey, here are my 10 Commandments of a Fabulous Teen!
1. Above all other rules, you must learn to love yourself. Love yourself for the flab on your hips, that crooked tooth in your mouth and the bad habits you just can't seem to break. After you learn to love yourself, learn to accept and love each and every individual around you. Never intentionally wish anyone harm or wrong-doing, and be thankful your enemies have provided you with intelligence.
2. Don't consume recreational drugs, nor alcohol or cigarettes... at all. The biggest sin is purposefully disrespecting the well-being of your body and putting negative substances in it. God gave you a beautiful, healthy body. Don't ruin this blessing.
3. Speak your heart out. Let your voice ring from mountain to mountain, releasing your birth-given right to share your beliefs. Speak your opinions, even though they may not be agreed with. Vice versa, learn to accept others' opinions and values, regardless if they are right or wrong in your mind.
4. Live honestly. Speak the truth, and nothing but the truth. Don't commit to a situation or a person you know in your heart that you cannot live up to. Don't hurt people because you need to keep your pride--swallow it and save a broken heart.
5. Don't believe the majority just because it is "the popular thing to do". If your spirit is telling you to go with minority, do so. Don't let any political, religious or personal issue conflict with your plans of happiness. Don't let any individual insult you, bring you down or speak ill of you without a rebuttal.
6. Don't live a troubled life of religion and tainted stories of gremlins and goblins. If you are to become of a religious faith, study hard and well before you dedicate yourself. Sacred text, such as the Bible, has been translated and misinterpreted over many, many years. Know which of the text to take literally, and which to analyze. Regardless of your opinion on religion, form a relationship with God--your logical creator, or the entity you wish to worship.
7. Eat a balanced diet and exercise often. The second worse thing for your body aside from consuming negative substances is not taking good care of your "sacred temple". Consider working yoga or meditation into your monthly lifestyle.
8. Respect your family and those who have guided you to the path you are on today--positive influences, teachers and wiser human beings (by wiser, I do not mean older). If your pride affected your ability to listen to someone with more wisdom than yourself, apologize to them once you have learned your lesson(s).
9. Get involved in your community or participate in some sort of outreach. Know your status and know how to use it well. Predict your future career path, become involved with a non-profit and do work for charity/volunteer in your community.
10. Last, but not least: know what behavior is mature and immature. Learn how to differentiate behaviors and mannerisms, and choose the road less traveled by within your social circle (more often than not: maturity). It's a complicated lifestyle, but a rewarding one. Once you figure out your own 10 commandments, use those to articulate feelings to other people and advocate your beliefs.
"I can't even start to explain how many people disliked what Martin Luther King Jr. had to say. That's why the study of History fascinates me, but guiding the future generation, even more."
For the last 8 months, my life has been touched by something quite bigger than myself. Something inspiring, and something much beyond ordinary.
This special thing is called PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). PFLAG helps me and many others come together and fight for the rights they believe in. In my case, equality for LGBTQ.
Volunteering for a nonprofit organization enlightens my soul and gives me time to think about what I can do as a single human entity on this planet.
I help PFLAG host open meetings with films, discussion, and yummy food, and am a part of the national board for my city's chapter that makes the important decisions regarding events, money keeping and accessories for sale. I get to hold conversation with questioning youth and adults, and educate the families and friends. I am proud of us as a group and organization. The fact that one person can extend a hand and make everything a little bit easier is a wonderful thought.
I suggest that you all reach into yourself and figure out what makes you truly happy and content within helping your community. We all owe it to our communities.
Above is a photo of myself and partner Mark, tabling for PFLAG at our city's Pride weekend.
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This post is part of the category "79 Things". Click to see the complete series of 79 Things.
March of Dimes A organization dedicated to the stronger and healthier lives of newborns, assisting mothers in delivering full-term pregnancies and researching the biggest problems that threaten them and their babies' lives.
PFLAG (Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians & Gays) Organization dedicated to supporting and educating parents, friends, and extended family on the problems and spirit within LGBTQ individuals. LGBTQ are welcome as well to help educate or seek support. Chapters located across the U.S.
NOH8 Campaign educating the American public on California's prop 8 law banning same-sex marriages, standing up in resistance with the help of Adam Bouska - celebrity photographer that trademarked the taped-mouth/cheek-painted NOH8 iconic photograph with the help of anticipated/less-anticipated celebrities such as Marlee Matlin, Kim Kardashian, Meghan/Cindy McCain, Tony Plana, Steve-O, Kathy Griffin, and Jane Lynch, among many more.
Planned Parenthood Leading organization that provides medical assistance and support to young individuals, educating them on sexual reproduction and safe sex, abstinence, etc. Helps the hearts and faith of numerous innocent, and not-so-innocent human beings, with love and tolerance for all paths.
NBPC - PACER(National Bullying Prevention Center) Organization raising awareness for the harmful affects and repercussions of childhood bullying, expressing ways to help your community and peers, including both emotional and physical examples. Gets kids, teenagers and adults involved in the situations at-hand.
"Carry yourself with a queenly grace. Carry the memory of an unforgettable moment. Carry a bag of food to someone who needs it. Carry a child as much as you can, as close as you can, yet stop the moment it begins to hurt or you begin to feel resentful. Carry a sign in a picket line to show you support the women whose jobs are on that line. Carry on a conversation only as long as you want; then end it. Offer to carry a sack for a woman who's carrying her unborn child. Carry a song in your heart. Stop carrying forty-seven suitcases of emotional baggage. Carry things to their natural conclusion. Allow someone else - another woman, perhaps - to carry you over an emotional threshold. Carry a bouquet of flowers into the kitchen on Tuesday. Or on every Tuesday. Carry the light of your own soul and let it shine, shine, shine."
I found this quote in the Words of Wisdom for Women book written by Rachel Snyder. It is a moving and beautiful message for us gals everywhere, tapping into the ever-so famous phrase: "To carry the weight of the world." While the physical examples given in this piece are just as valid as the emotional, I do see a certain kind of relation between my own life situations and the acceptance of letting go of "what I cannot change".
The past couple of months have brought up so much of this acceptance piece, one that is so hard to master, but carefully learned within the years of greatest growth. I constantly try to figure out the reason for why a certain occurrence came about - why that person judged me, why that person turned their back to me, and the list goes on and on. I will admit: I am lacking a bit of grace in my daily life. I have a loud mouth, and it's not so lady-like, but I will state the trait that does possess great grace: resilience.
I do my part in community service and volunteering for non-profits, schools, and libraries, raising my voice when activism calls to me. I have a soft spot for children, and consider myself very "maternal" in the way I treat human beings. I fight against ageism and the right for young people to have a solid voice without judgment.
I carry the message of love, compassion, and what I believe to be correct - a very simple thing to achieve. I compromise with my closest girl-friends, and help them through their trials, as they help me through my own. I understand who I am, what I am worthy of, and what I should stand for. I do carry the light of my soul for all to see, and hopefully accept. Sure, I'm not perfect, but when people do not accept my soul, I have a hard time carrying things to their assigned destination (with time), or understanding that I do not have to carry the emotional baggage and conflicting pain of others.
I want to "save" the ones around me, no matter how big or small their situation is. This leads me to a different, but equally helpful quote from the same poetry book: "Why plow through life when you can take in as much as you can? You can't always save a moment in time, but you can savor it." There is so much GOOD in life; so much to be savored. Negativity should keep none of us down when the negativity stems from something bigger than ourselves and what we cannot control.
If anyone, anywhere, puts you in an emotional state in which they have tricked you into believing that they hold the right to control your future, feelings, being, or dreams: fight by fighting for your right to be happy and live successfully in bliss. Climb when the mountain seems too high. Defy those disbelievers with the guilt of their unachieved dreams, lost in the dust of their crumbling valley. "Ignore them and do whatever you damn well please! Defy convention and wear what you want, love who you want. Turn a deaf ear to the culture and the busybody down the block. Just say NO. Go up against the odds, defy the naysayers and the dream destroyers and prove them wrong. Tell conventional wisdom to take a flying leap into an unconventional location where the sun never shines. Break rules that repress your freedom of expression and become more fully human in the process. Be willing to be ostracized for your defiance. Lose everything you ever thought was important and revel in all that you gain."
A friend and I decided to blog about the difference between being honest or loyal, and if the two go hand-in-hand. The question is: "Is it more important to be honest or loyal?" My answer: honest.
To me, there is a big difference between the definitions and the ways the two traits play out in every day life and relationships. The definition of "honest" is "truthfulness", or "telling the truth", and the definition of "loyal" is "faithful to a person", or "unwavering devotion to a loved one". While yes, you need to stick by your one and only true love in order to be considered "loyal" in your relationship, however, if you are unloyal for whatever reason, there is still an opportunity to be honest--by telling your partner your mistake.
Take polygamous individuals, for example the hit T.V. sensation Sister Wives. Assuming this is reality in many families across planet earth, they have developed a sense of loyalty that works for them. The most commonly used definition of "loyalty" among my generation means "not cheating" or "not trying to be with others", which is quite different in polygamous relationships, to say the least. Their sense of loyalty is making sure they keep the others informed, engaged, and check-in if they might be welcoming another wife or husband into the family. It isn't even considered "cheating" to them.
In my experience, too lengthy to cover in a single blog post, I have been hurt because of dishonesty in a relationship, far more than the possible disloyalty that might have occurred. I have had partners lie to me without cheating as well, as far as putting my physical well-being in jeopardy because their selfish conscience could not give me a bit of mercy. I have to say, the one time I was cheated on and my partner lied, the lie was what stung my fragile heart the most, not the actual act of infidelity. If you are well informed with biology and the facts of reproduction in the human species, you would know that males, and even females, are programmed to mate, and in fact, to cheat! Our society has shunned cheaters, "players", and the like, when really, it all comes down to science.
Taking the scientific viewpoint: males and females are going to cheat, no matter what their partner threatens them with or prays for. Cheating is a way of life, unfortunately, for many people. Now, don't get me wrong--I'm not supporting disloyal individuals, but I have had enough experience in my young life to understand that there is no possible way to prevent your partner from infidelity. Some uneducated people think if they offer their partner more sex, or "take the heat" within an argument, it will make their partner want to stay around. The honest truth is: they have to want to be faithful to you, and engaged in the relationship/agree to fidelity in order to have a healthy, successful bond with you.
All I know, is that if my partner cheated tomorrow, I would want him to calmly and lovingly sit me down and confide in me that he made a mistake, and even if that action was not a mistake in his mind, that he was sorry, and that he had to leave me. My relationship is better than it ever was, due to our honest and compassionate attitudes towards one another. Yes, we have loyalty, too, but didn't always. Once my partner figured out that I wouldn't be furious with him if he made a mistake, he was able to let his guard down and tell me the truth. You have to give your partner space to do what they would like to do, and accept that they will be attracted to other individuals, even if they do not act on this attraction. That is the biology of life, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You wouldn't stop gravity, now would you?
I got inspiration by one of my newly discovered blogs called I Help You Blog, giving ideas to individuals with blogger's block! One of the ideas was to: "Turn a negative into a positive", and "Write a satirical post." Therefore, I present you with a not-so-funny, sad blog post.
I am not often, but occasionally called: "arrogant", "cocky", or "extravagant". Humorous, considering when one puts this into perspective: I have absolutely everything to be cocky about, whether I act on it or not. How can I back this statement up without being arrogant? Being logical.
Growing up as a young woman in a pressuring society, I never once gave in to peer pressure or media's "image stunts" (and do not expect to, either). My parents, who experimented in their young years, always expected me to be a normal teenager: do stupid things, learn my mistakes, and grow up. To their pleasant surprise, raising me with so much tender love, and the acceptance of imperfections worked to their advantage.
To this day, I am a substance-free, responsible young person who contributes to community service, gets nearly straight A's in school, and has received deep recognition for their talents and scholarly merit, along with a great, healthy parent-child relationship. You're telling me that is not something to be proud of?
I find it disappointing meeting individuals with less passion at my age. Not because I think I am better than everyone else, but because I have so much compassion for my generation of learners, changers, and lovers, I wish they took their young lives just as serious as I take mine.
Back in the civil rights movement, a young, African-American woman about my age, Phillis Wheatley, published poetry that shocked the nation, giving ageist adults a reason to believe in the future of the children. Often, I use this example of youthful talent in comparison to myself: there were and are far more individuals who made much more prideful accomplishments at a young age than I could even dream of reaching today, and even if I tried, could not reach, due to the difference in our generations.
I am a simple, Hispanic/Caucasian youngin' living in the Northwest, in a modern time when most people are accepted, for both their sexualities and their races. No poetry I post is going to be world-changing, nor is any blog post going to be an appreciated, massive talent, as pretty much every teenager is blogging these days, and all it takes is a few clicks, regardless of your English abilities.
However, for the modern era, being substance-free and ready to embark on the journey through college, and a stable, adult relationship is a big accomplishment. To know what I am good at, what my life's calling just might be, and what I will not tolerate within this journey is perfect enough for any parent and any well-balanced, content adult to accept, appreciate, and admire.
I am sorry to break the bubble for some, but being aware of yourself is not being arrogant! To those fellow peers of mine: don't give up on being you. Discover your talents, and if you already have: celebrate them. Anyone who disagrees otherwise is not worth an ounce of your time. Like Dr. Seuss said: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
My personal belief that I live by and encourage my friends to live by is this: if everyone was proud of who they were, what they accomplished, and what they are capable of, nobody would envy others, nor feel bad enough about themselves to call others "arrogant". In the end, you are just as arrogant if you believe you have enough status to confront someone as "arrogant". In the end, it will not affect you, no matter how an individual presents themselves.
Due to the discouraging events of today, and the acts of bullying I witness on a near daily-basis, here is a video sentiment for those of you peacemakers who believe in true human dignity. This video was created by an anti-bullying campaign, and stars two of my favorite anti-bully icons: Michael Jackson and Princess Diana.
I also want to leave my readers with this beautifully moving quote by Martin Luther King, Jr., so very fitting for our country today. Think about what this means to you, and what kind of an example you want to lead for the future generation...
"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."
Because I am quite the "abnormal" teenager, and have a good portion of adult readers, I figured I would write a blog post from the outside looking in to a regular teenage society: trends, pitfalls, and some well unanswered rumors. I am calling the shots, naming names, and being honest at full throttle.
While yes, I do text my friends, and use vulgar vocabulary (quite universal traits pegged on teenagers), the behavior I witness from teenagers around me is quite appalling and lacking of much class. For me, growing into adulthood is all about maturity, education, interest in being alive, and correct respect for your wise teachers and those who made milestones before you. Know your status, and know how to create a healthy future for your children. In my eyes: common sense. In their eyes: bullshit! Here are several, typical teenage traits that often disappoint me:
1. Oblivious of the future. Many teenagers seem stuck-in-the-now, throwing their lives around like they are nothing. "I don't care if I ace this test", "It's not that dangerous, I'm just bein' the shit", "PARTY, PARTY, PARTY!" Ignorant, and annoying. I had a conversation with a peer who did not understand why educational planning and jotting down their dreams for the future had any relation to how they would end up in their adult years. Everything you can reflect upon now shows your maturity in a big way, especially when you are writing College applications. I don't think you want your future College acceptance administrators to see: "Future-planning is so stupid!" if they look up your Facebook page to determine if you are the right student for them.
2. Drug love. The top issue among teenagers today. I would say from the peers I meet, 7 of every 10 have either tried a drug, or are under the influence of a drug at the moment of our conversation. Whether they are heavily using marijuana, getting wasted on vodka, or just smoking a cigarette every day, none of them seem to realize how idiotic their choices are, or how unhealthy these habits are for their bodies. More disappointing? A good portion of them are not aware they are being influenced by peer pressure. They're just "fitting in" because that is "the thing to do"! I have even heard the rumor: "Part of being a teenager is experimenting with drugs and having fun partying." Well, I may be abnormal, but let's not get carried away! Part of being a uneducated, typical teenager is experimenting--part of being a successful, blossoming teenager is paying respect to your body and loving yourself. While I do not idolize my friends who choose the path of drugs, I respect their freedom to use what ever substances they choose to. They will learn... someday!
3. Lacking articulation and conversational maturity. My biggest tick with most teenagers is that they do not have depth! All of their grammar is the same "lamee" grammar most everyone their age exhibits, and their conversational maturity is shameful. I have met some incredible individuals who can hold conversation about something besides getting high or laid, but not many. Most of these individuals are passed the teen-age benchmark--19, 20, even 23 or 24. Just because a teenager like myself knows how to communicate with elders and respects my status in this vast universe does not mean I have "lost my childhood" or "grew up too fast". I think I am growing up just right--above the influence and embracing my youth, being a stereotype buster for the rest of the teenage generation.
So, are these teenage traits something future generations want to live among in years to come? I certainly do not want to see my child ruin their life with a lack of class, low depth, and drug use, but I also am not going to go Nazi-mom and push them into insanity... but that's for another blog post another day. Any teenage attitudes that make you tick? Email me and tell me your thoughts.
About a month ago, a chain overwhelmed my Facebook.com feed, stating that: "It's Special Education Week! Special needs kids are not sick or gross, they only want what we all want: to be accepted. You never understand a situation until you are faced with it. This is in honor of all the children made in a unique way!" While this year-old status statement has a sweet sentiment, this upset me the utmost, due to the close ties I have with developmentally disabled individuals.
You see... I don't think there is such a thing as "Special Education Week"--what is that? A week when "normal people" are educated on "special people"? Yikes. Hey, honest and fair kudos to all of you who admirably posted this as your Facebook status in support of fair acceptance for all, but developmentally disabled people are no different from say, homosexual people, or African-American people, who always deserved their full rights, but are (or were) disgustingly prohibited of them within society in different, countless ways. In my opinion, because of the way this hoax is worded, it could make these individuals even more embarrassed to be who they are.
Opinion # 1: While there is no defined "normal" on our vast earth enriched with diverse cultures, take a look at the sentence: "This is in honor of all the children made in a unique way." You are kidding, right? Every child is made in a unique way! Could that line be any more degrading? Or how about the sentence, "You never understand a situation until you are faced with it." Which is correct, obviously, because we all lead different lifestyles. Because of that fact, however, what does someone who has never experienced (assuming the person who created this hoax has no disability) being "special needs" rightfully have to prove in such a claiming statement? Do you really think all "special needs" kids have such a horrible life? If the author is hinting at bullying and torment, most kids are bullied--not just "unique" kids. This sentence seems to reinforce the ignorance on the topic, while the entire paragraph's point is trying to break down barriers.
Opinion #2: I'll make this situation personal. I sure as heck would not want someone posting: "Adopted people aren't all lonely or suffering from abandonment, quit listening to stereotypes and please be their friend. Post this in support of the kids whose families had to give them up! This is Adoption Appreciation Week!" That is just silly, right? Well, sadly that ignorance around both adoption and foster care systems truly is a pressing issue in society today. I, myself, do not feel better reading "support" in that context; I feel like a loser that deserves to be celebrated in a way that is blatantly talked down to.
Opinion #3: Now, I have my own learning disabilities, but I am not affected as much as some, in particularly genetic-related disabilities. Personally, when I hear the term "special needs", I pretty much hear "nigger", similar as in a reference to African-Americans. Sure, "retarded" is much worse, but just say "developmental disability" or "genetic disorder", because that is truly all it is! You wouldn't tell someone with cerebral palsy to their face that they have "special needs" and need to be recognized or accepted, now would you? They are not dumb, and a LOT of them are on Facebook! They function extremely similar, and know when we say "special" in that context, it is not a naturally positive phrase in society.
I will always back the equal rights of safety and peace for developmentally disabled children, or educationally challenged individuals like myself. What I won't do is sign any petition or spread hoaxes about how "special" or "needy of acceptance" they are. Acceptance is a given, not a negotiation.
Ever since I was a small child, I had dreams. Big dreams, at that. My dream was not to grow up and become a blogger among my peers, an admired YouTuber, or even a recognized scholar. My dream was to get through the day.
To keep breathing, keep loving, and keep opening my little heart to whatever I had to deal with the next time I woke up on a lazy, rainy morning in Washington state. I am here to confirm what many new readers might not have suspected: I spent a good percentage of my life belittled, hurt, and bullied.
Whether it was my crooked teeth, ugly, chunky glasses, or apparently "annoying" or "clingy" antics, some kid always had something mean to say. What that kid didn't understand? I suffered from GAD. GAD doesn't define me, but it makes up a great deal of who I am today. Regardless of how you come off or who you are, no individual deserves to "shake off" the insults, or take the punches.
Bullying is never O.K., nor tolerable, but it is what made me unstoppablekatya. An awkward, dorky, loving, sensitive, and DREAMING young woman. While I never forget, I understand my bullies were my inferior, and that I can learn to forgive, with time and grace.
Thank you, dear bully, for forcing me to recognize myself, be myself, and relish within myself. My dreams now are to enter an elite college, discover further passions, and help kids who hold the same dream I did many years ago.
Oh, the popular phrase: "You can't have your cake and eat it too." It never made sense to me. I would hear characters recite this line in movies and T.V. shows growing up, but never understood how it applied to real life. If you had your cake, you ate it, right?
Wrong. The proverb has nothing to do with literally consuming a slice of cake, a whole cake, or even a thousand mini cakes! I have discovered this within numerous figures that took part in my life. Who, you might ask? Condescending adults, religious individuals and romantic partners, just to name a few.
When you were a child, did you ever find it laughable that adults would expect you to get good grades, know a lot about the rights and wrongs of sexuality, drugs, alcohol, etc, but also degrade and insult you as if you didn't know anything because of how "young" you were? Now that's an example of the infamous proverb! You cannot hold intelligent discussion with a teen or try to defend your opinion on a topic, expecting them to know about everything you're talking about, yet at the same time, hold the standard that teenagers know absolutely nothing or are all the same, naive individuals.
Have you ever held a humorously ignorant conversation with someone of religious faith? Perhaps specifically Christians, such as in my case(s) of this incident. I have spoken to many anti-LGBTQ Christians, and I find that I hear the same famous phrase each time: "We totally accept gays, we just don't approve of them." How can you accept homosexuality and call the individuals "normal", while you don't approve of their sexuality, because it is "abnormal"? Sketchy.
Now, in terms of romantic partners, I would not claim the incidents to be provoked through ignorance, rather than mere foolishness. In this case, you usually don't know you are living out the mentioned proverb, but subconsciously applying it! I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and wore it out. I find this occurrence between romantic couples in situations such as the topic of friends. People want their boyfriends and girlfriends to have close friends of the opposite sex, (or same sex, depending upon sexual preference) but get upset if they are spending time with those friends because they are "cheating" or being "disloyal", etc.
Another popular occurrence involves every day people that claim they "just want honesty!" Perhaps they do, as every average human being, but they push what becomes their contradiction a bit too far. I find that many people are hurt after they plead for the truth, and that is a shame. Truth hurts.
I challenge you to think about the proverb, "You can't have your cake and eat it too.", and finalize your belief/definition, if you haven't already!
Media has popularized pornographic content and what their view of "sexy", or "appropriate" women have been for decades, whether they choose the television, Internet, magazines, or even fashion to advertise it within, it is an obvious, false moral code, and unfortunately, used by many.
At first, the media portrayed the foolish, housewife role of Lucielle "Lucy" Ball in the hit sitcom I Love Lucy, which was a turning point for its generation, morphing into teenage shows such as Degrassi, and The Secret Life of the American Teenager within the modern generation, creating the image of young girls unable to say "no" to sex, drugs, and the like. So, when does the portrayal of the "right" woman go too far?
While I am a huge supporter of soap operas such as Private Practice... what a junk show it is for the portrayal of the "appropriate woman"! The character of Charlotte King (the chief of staff at "St. Ambrose Hospital", which collaborates with the private practice: "Oceanside Wellness Center" throughout the show) was appalling to watch within the first to the second season. King is the "appealing icon" and the "sex symbol" for the show, and sadly had to be brutally attacked and raped before any of the fellow characters (besides boyfriend Cooper) felt deep sympathy, due to her seemingly cold and "bitchy" mannerisms, not to mention the use of sex as a feel-good power over men. Talk about Addison Montgomery (main character, a neonatal surgeon), a woman who is admired in the workplace and in her private life, as well portrayed as "the perfect woman", yet she slept around and brought infidelity into her previous marriage. While nobody is perfect, these women's characters are far from it!
I love hospital soap operas for their jaw-dropping suspense, but I draw the line when a T.V. show has to have some sort of degrading, unfair sex appeal as a marketing technique (as most do). Can we not return to the I Love Lucy days? Lucielle and husband Desi Arnaz were able to gain a fortune, never once creating Lucy into a pin-up, promiscuous, distasteful icon. BUT, I have a bone to pick with the creators of that show as well. Did you ever notice nearly all of the humor expressed in I Love Lucy was centered around Lucy's mishaps and stumbles, or were you too busy laughing? Whether she gets herself in a "sticky" situation at a chocolate processing factory, or seemingly cannot understand how to recite a small, simple-sentenced script for a vitamin drink, with husband "Ricky" (Desi Arnaz) persuading her not to show up to his band's gigs in fear of her embarrassing herself or him, her character was always somehow pushed down. The show did not portray women as promiscuous, but more so unintelligent or just. Flat. Out. STUPID!
I was watching the PBS documentary Life's Greatest Miracle, which uses popular scientific belief to back up the fact that heterosexual males find breasts, bottoms, and everything in between extremely "sexy" and "hot"--it all centers around the desire to procreate. While most would assume this as obvious, I think it is fascinating! Boys: are you aware that staring at our boobs is because you want to make babies with us? Whining, crying, puking babies. Isn't so sexy anymore, is it?
Babies aren't the only conflict that this evidence proves, low self esteem in the hearts of many young females is also shaken. Every day, young girls around the world experience eating disorders, low self confidence, and coat their natural faces full of unhealthy, drugstore products, just to impress the male population. They need to know that this is not O.K.! They deserve to feel beautiful in their own shape, size, and form, whether they are LGBTQ, straight, overweight, slender, African-American, Hispanic, or Caucasian. Nothing should subtract from their sexiness.
Along with self image conflicts, I want to add a small concept to this blog post which you may want to keep your eyes scanning for within the next few days. During a Sociology course I took part in, fellow classmates and I dissected images within fashion, the media, and pop culture, in order to determine the degraded, and often literally, "looked down upon" icons that females play within photography--whether it be photoshoots for local chain corporations such as Target, Gucci, among other famous fashion brands, or even personal wedding and couple's portraits. The male figure is often dominant within photographs taken by professionals (looking down upon the woman, striking a confident, higher pose than the woman, or the woman doing such poses as the infamous "bashful kneebend", and portrayed as merely defenseless or weak), either trying to market to certain audiences, or attract certain individuals. The gender-identity documentary I took this knowledge from was Erving Goffman's own The Codes of Gender.
I challenge you all to take something from this snippet I could provide, which I had contemplated for many months after a personal debate I experienced within this broad topic. I suggest you write a journal entry or create something to jot down your thoughts in response to this topic. These are important ideas to contemplate and be well informed upon in order to raise beautiful daughters, and nurture the young women who are already in your life: learning from you, admiring you, and looking to you for guidance. And no, it does not mean a young girl was raised "incorrectly" or "too freely" if she knows right from wrong within her sexuality, self image, and confidence!
